What We Don't Get About The Word "Humane"

Our dog Rudy was euthanized this morning. I know, I know...hell of a way to start a paragraph. He was unquestionably my favorite dog. As many of you who know me are aware, we are animal lovers in this house. But we take pride in not being ridiculous ones. Sorry to offend any of you, but to dress your pets up in costumes and sweaters, or worse, to fawn all over them like an over-protective nutjob is borderline animal abuse to me. They are lovable with many personality traits but they are still animals. They rely on instincts, not emotions. The things they do are not intellectual decisions but instinctive and reactionary. And that is how they must be treated. Dogs are not to be pandered to. They are to be lead. We are the pack leader. If that sounds too "Dog Whisperer" then, oh well...it's the truth. We have "rescued" every pet we own - 5 dogs in all, 1 snake and Taylor's new guinea pig, with the exception of Rudy...a purebred Chinese Sharpei. I got him from a "questionable" breeder who had all the right credentials, affiliations and certifications. Rudy's official surname was...are you ready? Von Wrinkle. Registered with the American Kennel Club and all, the whole nine yards. Problem was they lived in a falling apart double wide trailer on a property strewn with junk and it looked apparent that this was their livelihood and they bred as many dogs as possible. It's all about the lack of respect for ones property, which typically translates to other aspects of one's life. Psychologist say if you want to look into a person's mind, look at their house. The state of the home is the state of the mind. I guess I have a dirty mind. (Sorry, had to throw in a joke to lighten the mood.) But anyway, when you breed carelessly you open up a window for physiological issues with which many breeders have no clue about. Sharpei Fever is one of those aftereffects. It's an incurable disease that attacks the kidneys and liver of this particular breed and there is little medical knowledge right now to combat it. And it's now taken 1,000's of purebreds all across the country.

Rudy started out with little "flare-ups", as we called them, once every 2 months where he became completely lethargic, ran a fever - with his head and hind legs practically on fire and he refused to eat. They lasted on average for 2 days. He was diagnosed in '07 with this "Sharpei fever" which is a relatively new disease resulting from too much inbreeding from careless breeders. Puppy Mills as many people know them. Six years ago I didn't know much about these "mills" but, as most of us do, I ignored my instincts. Not that I regret getting him, no sir, but if I was armed with more information, perhaps I would have researched my breeder more intensely. In any case, I brought him home as a Christmas present for my wife, Dawn, who had another Sharpei years ago that was tragically hit by a car when she (the dog) was only 2. I figured she should get a second chance at a Sharpei. I fear I have made her 0 for 2 now.

But we all fell in love with Rudy. As a little puppy, with this insanely huge head, he snored louder than I did. ( I like to say that for deflection purposes) The second day we had him he fell into our pool and sank quickly to the bottom before Dawn reached down and pulled him back out. Lucky for us it was the shallow end as we soon found out that Sharpei's don't float like other dogs do. All that skin and not enough fat. And he was everybody's favorite. So damn ugly he was beautiful. He was our "Bubbush", as we called him. That was the limit of our coddling. We called him "Bubba" with a lisp. So when things started getting hairy last month and he was uncharacteristically sick, even for the "fever" standards, we knew he/we were in trouble. Everybody loves their pets. Everybody gets nailed when you have to pay for a vet. Pet insurance is really, really something that needs to be looked into. Couldn't somebody make a lot of money creating affordable pet insurance? Anyone? We dropped $1,500 trying to save Rudy and another $150 to end his life. Many people have spent much more.

Which brings me to my point. The end of life. To be humane. According to Dictionary.com - humane is: adj. - characterized by tenderness, compassion, and sympathy for people and animals, esp. for the suffering or distressed. Rudy was so sick his last days as his kidneys failed and his lungs began to fill with fluid that he couldn't sleep. So, so tired. Constantly trying to close his eyes but his struggles for air wouldn't let him. When the vet administered the anaesthetic it was such a relief. He slowly laid his head down with all our help, asleep at last. The final dose of sodium pentobarbital, and Rudy's heart stopped within seconds. Of course it seemed so much longer. The silence unbearable but snuffed out quickly by our own weeping. As my wife said on the way home..."Why can't we do that for people?" Yeah...why can't we? If the situation is so grim, if people can consciously make an informed decision to not suffer,why can't we just be "humanely" put to sleep. That's how I'd want to go, at least. I know, I know, I can hear some of you already. There's too much ethical, medical, liable and any other "-al's" that create a mess on either side of the issue. Whatever. In the moment...like we were this morning...and a year ago with our other dog...when it's time to go and there's nothing else to do, we just end the suffering painlessly, swiftly and peacefully. That is humane. We are the emotional ones. The intellectual ones. We have the compassion to assist end of life in any animal but we can't do it for ourselves. Why? Because of lawyers? Politicians? Clergy? Insurance companies!? It's ridiculous. It makes it look like we love the animals more than ourselves. Because we're supposed to be humane with those that we love. We've apparently over-analyzed and out thunk ourselves on the issue.

So now Rudy is playing with Sophie, our beloved matron of the pack who we had to put down last year, in doggy heaven. They were both met by Cookie, Dawn's previous Sharpei and Pepper, my own childhood mutt and my first experience with euthanasia many years ago. It sucks for us, holding that kind of responsibility but it is so much better for them.

But because I'm human...and I feel things, emote things...I had to consider one thing when we were in that room alone with Rudy's lifeless body. How could I possibly handle this if it were my parent? My child? My wife? Could I really handle that responsibility. That knowledge that it was my decision to end their life. Maybe that's why lawyers, politicians and whoever else won't let me.

But in the least...it's worth a debate.

Little League Fiasco, Part 2

I know I have issues in life...I don't think there is a human walking this earth that doesn't have some quirk here and there. One of my biggest pet peeves with people in life is this thing called excessive pride. Occasionally, I suffer from it myself. But, I like to think that I have some ability to manage it, to reflect enough to catch it most of the time and to hold myself accountable for it. It's those people out there who can't manage themselves that get my gourd. You know the type...who allow that pride to ruin relationships, ruin lives because they can't admit a wrong. It's so wasteful. A waste of energy. A waste of emotion. And ultimately, if they are cowardly enough, a waste of flesh.

I've come across many people in life like this. My grandfather, for example. We all loved him dearly but his pride came first and his loved ones second. Always. If you crossed him, that was it. You were dead to him until he said so. Sometimes it was years. So sad, really. Such wasted time being angry. There have been several others, too, but because of the pain that was caused by this hubris, I have learned how to limit it from my life. If it's family, than it simply has to be managed. If it's a friend, well, they're not a friend for long. Life is way too short for me to waste time on people who cannot compromise...a not so simple, yet necessary, mechanism with which we manage our inter-personal relationships day in and day out. This coach is a perfect example.

What a difference a day makes. Even after the last post, I had no idea how stressful a day in the life of Little League parents could be. After my wife's email to the coach explaining why she pulled him from running after the game (that he should be accountable for his mistakes if he wants his players to be accountable for theirs), he responded in a way that I suppose we should have expected, but still don't believe it happened like this. He emailed back this note which I have copied and pasted:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Liddy:

I have passed all of your concerns over to the Player Agent and have meet with the League President to discuss the matter. We have come to the agreement that an apology is unwarranted however an explanation to the players is a good idea. That is why I sat the players down after practice today an not only explained the situation to them but also answered any questioned that they may have had. It is unfortunate that your son was not present. (we actually had a family outing that day and had no idea he was going to "talk" to his players) As far as Taylor not participating in running after the game, it was decided by the Player Agent, the President and myself that this is a team problem and not one to be addressed by the League. Therefore, your son will play the League minimum next game which is six consecutive outs and one at bat. If you continue to hold him out, he will be benched for the entire next game, and so on. It is unfair to allow a player who doesn't participate, to play the same amount of time as those who do. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Coach XZXZ

Now, grammar and spelling aside, there are a few items here that I take issue with. First and foremost is the Player Agent issue. The Player Agent in little league is supposed to be a member of the Little League Board who acts as a mediator between parties in any particular discrepancy. Typically a situation between coach and parent. The Player Agent in this case was... the coaches wife...a dictionary worthy example of the term Conflict of Interest. The other item I take issue with is his claim that "an apology is unwarranted" line. If you recall from Part 1, this whole fiasco stemmed from his blow up at a game where he was duly ejected from the field. The umpires felt it warranted to eject him. Because of the ejection, and in accordance of National Little League rules, he was automatically suspended from the next game. (Though the ESLL Board claims it does not mean that they support the suspension. They did NOT, however, fight it.) In my mind, this means that his suspension was therefore...warranted. But his email clearly states that an apology is "unwarranted" in this case. On what grounds, pray tell, would an apology be "unwarranted" after you acted like such a louse, Coach? Regardless of the umpires "attitude" as he put it, he acted like jerk. Plain and simple. How many times must we repeat that two wrongs don't make a right?

And finally, and perhaps my biggest bone to pick, is the line "Therefore, your son will play the League minimum next game which is six consecutive outs and one at bat. If you continue to hold him out, he will be benched for the entire next game, and so on." OK...deep breath. First of all, the rulebook clearly does not say "six consecutive " outs, but that is getting nit picky. It is not in compliance with Little League rules to bench a player for the entire next game, and so on. You just cannot do it. Not without cause...and a hearing...and an official ruling from the board. No. You just can't make a decision as a coach to not play a kid.

But this guy is all about two things: Being right. And being in control. He loves it. He needs it. He feeds off of it. And most people, it seems, appear to fear him for it. Nobody wants to make a problem, which I totally understand. Nobody wants to get to the point that we seemed to be moving towards...I get it. But we had had enough. We have nothing left to lose at this point. It you're going to bench my son, you will not do so without a fight. My wife felt like we needed any additional support considering how connected the coach was with league board and proceeded to take things into her own hands by forwarding the email to the rest of the team as well as the board president.

I'll own up to one thing I did wrong in this whole mess. Right from the beginning, I should have technically...technically mind you...contacted the coach directly when I was upset about his failure to man up and apologize for his behaviour. Based on his own email to the other league board which attempted to blame everyone else for his behaviour, I knew that it would be a losing battle, but still...from a technical standpoint I could have contacted him first instead of going directly to our board president. I believe wholeheartedly that it would have not made a difference and we'd still be where we're at because of his stubbornness but, nevertheless, there's my self-critique. I own it.

Now having said that, it was at this point that we opened Pandora's box. Based on Dawns email to the team, several other parents felt it safer to complain...and they did. Before you knew it, we had a meeting scheduled between the coach and us to end this insanity. Thank God. I knew that it would be stressful. But away we went.

We all entered the small building at the field that was soon to be the new snack bar. The board president started out talking to mediate the entire session and the coach stood there with the Player Agent (you know...his wife), another board member, Dawn and I and Pete...Taylor's loyal Dad. We aired our differences...and there were many. Dawn and I conceded that all we wanted was him to understand that we and other parents just wanted the same accountability for the coach that he demands from his players. He started to through out things like our son was a bully on the team and that he wasn't going to let a mother run his team and blah, blah, blah. The testosterone was pumping. His player agent...I'm sorry...his wife had to twice keep him in check with a redirected comment as he began to get too angry. "Stay focused" she whispered with a tap on the leg, "stay focused". It was a small room. It was also a perfect example of the man we've been trying to describe. No self-control. A rogue agent. He refused to compromise at all. He was the ultimate "right-fighter". No matter what, he needed to be right. A true measure of the man. Or boy. It was a pathetic display of arrogance and cowardice from a man who could not do the right thing. We were all trying to compromise, even his Player Agent, but he would not say the words. We concluded by agreeing to disagree, but even then...the words never came out of his mouth that he would comply with a compromise. He didn't have the strength.

That night we had a game and Taylor did play his usual 4 innings and he batted each time his spot came up, so the coach did ultimately concede...I guess. But he couldn't say it. My stomach churned all night as we sat just feet from his wife and within yards from the dugout where he sat. Pretty quiet, I might add. A welcome change. Stress. Lots of stress that night. So stressed that I didn't eat. That is saying a lot. I always eat.

Hopefully we'll just finish the next couple of weeks out ignoring each other as we should and as this is Taylor's last year playing ball we'll never have to deal with this crap again.

I remit my comment from my last post...I don't think I'll ever coach again.

Little League Fiasco, Part 1

I've said this many times before but I'm going to say it again and again and again. Just because people volunteer in their community doesn't mean they are selfless. Hero's are defined by their actions, not words and we're all well aware of how the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I don't serve my community anywhere near the amount I wished I did. It's one of the most fundamental American values that I truly DO believe in and our world would be better for it if most of us did more. In fact, my community service is barely legit because I always had a selfish claim in the mix...my kids. As a Little League coach, I provided my time, energy and knowledge about a game I love. Baseball! But I did so with a provision that one of my sons were always on the team. The good part is that despite the selfish nature of the effort, I usually had fun with the kids, even though we usually became counselor more than coach. Kids put enough pressure on themselves to do well so to bring out their best it takes not only a skilled sportsman and communicator, but a great understanding of a young developing mind. None of us were experts in the latter, but we did know enough to tip the scale in the positive and watched happily as a player succeeded. Sometimes that success came in the form of a great pitching outing and other times it was simply giving the kid enough courage to stay in the batters box after he'd been hit by a pitch in his last at-bat. Those were the battles won. Yeah, yeah, I know that winning is awesome and I'd rather win the ballgame than lose...but it's those moments of success that we remember more than the record.

Having said all that I must place my feet atop my soapbox and begin my diatribe about our current Little League experience. My son (stepson really but love is thicker than blood) is not a naturally gifted athlete. I'll never claim that he is. He is, however, an extremely smart player which more often than not compensates very well for any inadequacy he may show on the field. He knows where to go with the ball, he knows who to back up in most situations and he's aware of what's happening on the field. He may not always catch the ball but he always stops it. He may not have a strong arm but it's always on target. And where he is most comfortable (and successful) is at the plate. The kid can hit. Not home runs, mind you, but he puts up good at bats and gets simple hits. Consistently. His batting average is quite respectable. I preclude this information for a couple of reasons. First, because I DO like to brag about my kids. I admit it. Second, because he works hard for those accolades...he earns them. And third, because in our family I want it to be clear that we instill the ethic as the goal. That they DO their best. Not get first place or get that A, but to be satisfied with their performance. Not tolerant of it. And mainly, that life and success is in the moments, not the end results. If they get first place or get that A, than it's all gravy on the mashed potatoes.

Last years Little League season was quite a disappointment from a "learning experience" standpoint. His coach, though an amazingly nice guy, was a very lackluster coach who didn't really seem to understand the concept of leader. A pushover really, and we watched the kids make the same mistakes from the beginning of the season to the end. They learned very little. That is where I have my drudges...I want the kids to learn HOW to play this game that I love so much. So this year we were optimistic that lightening would not strike twice. Boy were we ever wrong. Much to our chagrin it got worse. Much worse.

This years coach was the polar opposite of last years. An angry, scowling and grumbling man whose brother (the assistant coach) seemed even angrier. Lots of yelling. Lots of "what they did wrong". A little of what they did right. I suspected we were in for a tumultuous year but I had no idea how bad it would get. You see, the politics were a little tricky. If you've never dealt with youth sports before, well...you might as well be in Washington D.C.. You see the league presidents son is also on the team. As are four other Board members kids. Angry coaches wife is on the board. I knew that if we had an issue with this coach, there may very well be little to do about it. They were all connected. We were not. But as the season progressed and the harshness of the coaches styles begin to feed this growing resentment within us we started noticing an unspoken buzz throughout the parents on the bleachers. There seemed to be a familiar sentiment that these coaches were not particularly in favor with everybody. At least we didn't feel alone anymore. Dawn was much more vocal about this than anyone and we know now that she was right all along. But then "the incident" occurred and it changed everything.

On a Friday night game at an opposing teams field, our coaches became dissatisfied with the umpires calls. Happens all the time. As a coach you adjust, and more importantly, you teach your kids how to adjust. But instead they decided that this was an opportunity to play Billy Bob Thornton. Our coach has been rehearsing for this moment anyway as he chews and spits his tobacco regularly at the KIDS games. Great role model, huh? So, without provocation both brothers (the coaches) began what I can only categorize as some of the most rude behaviour I have ever witnessed on a Little League field, by arguing in the most bullying, intimidating and taunting ways in front of all to see. Like a peacock fluffing it's feathers he sauntered over to the umpire arguing an irrelevant call with such anger, such disdain. He is considerably taller than the umpire so he proceeded to get close, look down on him with a twisting gaze that resembled that of a T-Rex about to savor a meal and yell with such a convulsed attitude that it made everyone uncomfortable. By the way, did I mention that these umpires were teenagers? No, I don't believe I did. He was acting this indignant with YOUTH umpires. There were comments from the sidelines, concerned parents who were asking our coach to walk away, go back towards the dugout but he appeared to not hear a word. It was than that I yelled above everyone, "Hey Coach, you're embarrassing everyone!!", because at that point I couldn't take it anymore. A seasons worth of frustration on my part came boiling over. Another parent yelled, "knock it off coach...this is LITTLE LEAGUE!!" He was tossed out of the game at this point but had still refused to leave the field. Finally, he turned and glanced toward the stands where he saw me and many others who had called him out and the look of hate in his eyes is something I won't soon forget.

There wasn't much left, but any respect I may have had for this guy was gone. We've all gotten angry before, but to be in that arena and not have the where-with-all to control yourself is unconscionable. I turned to look for his wife but she was long gone. Either humiliated or angry at us for turning on her husband, I'm not certain. He was subsequently suspended for the next game. But here's what happened the following week.

Before contacting the League President with a complaint, we all waited for the coach to give his apology...somehow. The next practice came and went and he said nothing to the kids. That alone would have diffused this for me as they were the ones he owed the biggest regrets towards. To show them what a real man is made of. To let them know that that is not how to handle the situation. But he failed. Further, no emails of apology went out to the parents despite his frequent emails throughout the season. He made no attempts. Here's the letter I finally sent to the President of our East Scottsdale Little League (names have been changed):

"Bob" -

I was hoping that after a few days I would have “cooled down” but it doesn’t seem to be the case. The behavior of Coach XZXZ and XZXZ at Friday night’s Orioles/Mets game at Supai Middle School was a black mark on East Scottsdale Little League. I have seen a lot of bad behavior at youth sports from kids, parents and coaches before, but the display of disrespect, bullying and downright rudeness by both coach XZXZs’ towards the YOUTH umpires was an embarrassment to the umpires, the kids on the field, the parents in the stands and the East Scottsdale Little League as a whole. Board members and all. I have never seen a coach show such a lack of respect to both umpires before and I hope I never see it again.

As a former coach, I know that everyone has their own “style”. I know that Coach XZXZ and Coach XZXZ are volunteers who dedicate their time, money and energy week in and week out for these kids, including my own. I don’t doubt for a second that they have the best of intentions for the team, that they truly love the sport and that they care about the kids. But sometimes that intent doesn’t make it all the way to the field. Of course, kids have to learn that in baseball, it’s not all gummy bears and “everybody’s a winner” chants. At some point, real competition creeps in. But the harshness that is used by both of them on a regular basis crosses the line more often than it should. I, and many other parents, hear a lot more negative comments than positive. I’m sure that some compliments are made in the dugout out of earshot. But unfortunately for the coaches, sometimes we do hear things from the dugout as well. When I hear a coach say out loud in front of 11 and 12 year olds that he “wants to kick some kid’s ass”, I know that he hasn’t read the ESLL Code of Conduct. This is not about political correctness or overprotecting the kids. And I’m no prude, I guarantee you. But, a youth sport is supposed to be about teaching kids fundamentals of the game…which includes sportsmanship. Friday night both XZXZ and XZXZ showed none of the latter.

I would have sent this email sooner but I wanted to give the coaches the benefit of the doubt. I hoped that they would acknowledge their abhorrent behavior and explain to the kids that their behavior was not acceptable. To man up. But nothing has been said. Nothing was said to the kids at Sunday’s practice and no emails have gone out to the parents. I take the coaches “silence” as a statement itself that they did nothing wrong. Where the line between excessive pride and cowardice is muddled.

The look of anger on Coach XZXZ’s face the other night makes me wonder if he’s truly up to the task of teaching YOUTHS. After all, this was a Little League game. Perhaps, he’d be better suited for high school or college ball. This is not intended to be a witch hunt and I’m not calling for him to step down, but I think in the least…IN THE LEAST…he owes his team, those umpires, the parents and the board a heartfelt apology.

Respectfully,
Michael and Dawn Liddy

Without revealing my source, I had the opportunity to see a letter that our coach had sent right after the incident to the opposing teams league president. It acknowledged nothing of his contribution to this entire episode and he blamed it solely on the youth umpires. ON THE 15 YEAR OLD UMPIRES?!?!?! The true testament of this "man". Or shall I say child. This man is nothing. An empty angry shell who need not be put in care of any child. At our last game I was approached by several people, board members included, who had seen my letter and thanked me for writing it. Apparently, we said what everyone wanted to say but seem afraid to.

After the game, our illustrious coach talked to the kids about the game and then lined them up to do what they do after EVERY GAME. They make the kids run wind sprints for every mistake they made that night. So the last impression these kids leave the field with after every game, even if they play great and win the game, is the punishment for ANY mistake they have made. A missed ball or a looked at third strike. ANY mistake that they made is a sprint. Negative, negative, negative! Coach of the year, huh?

Before our son had a chance to run, Dawn hustled on to the field and told the coach, "My son is not running for his mistakes until you apologize to these kids and admit yours." He just looked at her stunned and said "OK" and we took him home. He tried to call Dawn at our son's fathers house late that same night (Another example of a coach who doesn't even know his players. He has both our emails, we all go to every game and it's the end of the season.) Dawn sent him a note simply stating that he needs to own up to his own message of accountability that he wants out of his players and admit his fiasco at that game to his kids.

That's where we are right now. Patiently awaiting his next move. Ahh, Little League...maybe I should coach next year again and satisfy my own ego.

I'll keep you posted.

Coming soon

OK...it's been quite busy in the Liddy household and I have a few things I really want to write about. Sorry, but this is a teaser...since I don't have time right now - but I hate to see an old post up there so long. Big Little League commentary to show how frustrating youth sports can be is coming soon. Stay tuned.