Sex, Lies & a Victorious Woman

I’ve been staring at this screen for some time now having absolutely no idea how to begin this saga I’m about to unleash. I’ve approached it hesitantly and carefully, even questioning as to whether or not I should even share it because it involves real people, real emotions and most importantly…someone I love most dear. My wife. However, it is with her blessing and approval that I proceed and since we both feel it necessary to process any and all hardships in life, I believe it will be healing for both of us. And I think the best place to start is at the beginning. The very beginning.

On June 8, 1966, a young girl of 17 gave birth to an infant of average weight and length in a small Phoenix hospital just north of the downtown. No doubt this girl (we’ll call her Sue) was frightened, confused and because she was shipped over here by her prominent parents from New Mexico to hide this “devastating secret”, she felt terribly alone. The baby girl that Sue secretly named “Dawn” was quickly whisked away, likely never to be seen again. The maternal feelings, if they were there at all and not forced away by self preserving methods, were abandoned along with any emotional attachment or yearning for second chances as they, apparently, were not an option at the time. Although the 60’s were the decade of free love there were many that learned the hard way that for any generation…nothing in this life is free.

The path of Sue’s life is unknown from this point until decades later, 22 years to be exact, when coincidentally or by divine design, both Sue and the child she gave up, were given the mutual OK by the adoption agency to finally meet again. This child was coincidentally (or not) named “Dawn” by her adoptive parents as well.

My wife Dawn’s journey has often been the long road. Not at all the same as Sue’s in detail but does, perhaps, bear some resemblance in principle and rebellion. Dawn found herself a young mother, also, at 18, though she was married, unlike Sue. And at the ripe young age of 22, found herself wondering out loud now…”who am I?” Her adoptive parents had done all the right things, telling her from a young age that she was “chosen” by them and made to feel loved as best they knew how. But as most adoptive children go, no matter how secure and enriched their environment, there is always that little voice inside their head that says, “…at some point in my life, I was unwanted” and they instinctively want to know “why”. Dawn was no different. So she reached out to the adoptive agency, with her Mom and Dad’s blessing, to find out the answer. If there is any adopted child out there who’ve reached out without wanting to know everything they can, let me know, because I haven’t met any. So as told before, Sue and Dawn were put into communication with one another and were going to be, coincidentally again, in the San Francisco airport at exactly the same day and time. Now there are many people who believe that there are no coincidences in life…only fate. I’m not such a big fan of the word ‘fate’ since it typically raises more questions than answers, but life is cyclical as much as it is random and things sometimes just happen. I don’t have the answers to that mystery.

Well, as one would expect, the reunion was tearful and emotional and full of hugs and questions and promises never to be kept. Because we humans are nothing if not…human. Dawn noticed things were not copasetic soon after those first tears fell as Sue quickly and oddly became quite detached. Smiling and cooperative, but, it was as if Dawn could see the arms stretched out to say, “whoa, not so close”. Traveling with Dawn was her then 5 year old daughter, Elizabeth, who was, for a short time, a child model. Although Dawn quickly learned how dysfunctional a “child models” life can be, there is no doubting how insatiably cute Elizabeth was at five. (Yes, I’m biased, but I also have the pictures.) Sue seemed utterly incapable of hugging, loving on or even speaking to the cutest 5 year old in San Francisco. Dawn just saw it as odd. We can all play Dr. Phil and say, well, she gave up a child all those years ago so she has intimacy issues with children. Well, sure. OK. But sometimes, when we’re given the opportunity for second chances, it can really show the depth…or shallowness of a person. Sue had the green light. She remained in “park”. She went on to tell Dawn that she, Sue, had a brother. She had married and divorced (not Dawn’s father) and never had any other children. Her parents, Dawn’s grandparents, were not interested in meeting her. A lot of difficult information, like that, came through and at the right time Dawn asked the inevitable question…”Who is my father?” The wall was built quickly, masterfully and with heavy concrete. “Your father doesn’t know about you…I can’t give you any information about him.” And that was it. The spigot of information turned off.

After that initial joyful then distant first meeting there were infrequent communications from that day forward. The majority of Sue’s “relationship” with her daughter turned into and remains to this day a select few email-forwarded jokes. With every email in her inbox, my wife has a glimmer of hope that there will be information…or actual interest in talking like human beings, but instead there are bunnies and cute stories from Readers Digest or cutting stabs at whatever President sits in his house. With every email it’s a let down. And Sue obviously has no idea what sort of storm she is creating.

My wife has always been a survivor. Growing up in a loving but unrelated family is going to have its questions and when some of those in that family have issues with you because you’re not blood it’s going to fester resentment. She has a younger sister, also adopted, who likely shared the same doubts, torments and “what if’s” in her own life leaving little for two young women to figure out how to get along. Happily, as adults, those walls are coming down as they both realize they have much more in common than they ever imagined. Living through a difficult first marriage when both parties were way too young to be playing family was more than a life lesson for my wife. Then, ultimately, being a single mom of four kids was an uphill battle…all the way. And through it all, wondering who you are and where do you fit in when everyone else “belongs” to people that look like them is, at times, like living your life in a bubble. It is our most basic human desire…to feel like we belong. As wonderful as the concept of adoption is…it is always going to be a part of that psychological formula.

Two months ago Sue wrote an actual email to tell Dawn that five years ago she battled breast cancer. At the same time Sue’s mother had died of breast cancer after a 10 year fight. Why it took 5 freakin’ years to tell your only flesh and blood that there is some dominant cancer genes is beyond me, but Dawn immediately went to the proper professionals and is, thankfully, negative for any obvious signs and will soon be taking the blood gene test as well. After twenty years of neurotic and quirky communication from Sue, after twenty years of her controlling all aspects of this “relationship”, and after twenty years of partial and even false information, my wife was at her breaking point. “I owe her nothing” said Dawn and I wholeheartedly agreed with her.

As this is the age of the internet, Dawn felt compelled to do some digging. She found her biological grandmothers obituary from 2003 and there on the page read that the surviving son, Dawns biological uncle, resided in Scottsdale, AZ. All this time my wife had flesh and blood living just up the street. At least 5 years that we know of and probably more. The logical deduction was that he didn’t know about Dawn. She was this big family secret. A mistake, remember? Why I felt compelled to tell my wife to contact Sue first and ask about the uncle, I don’t know. I guess I wanted to go by the book. Sue hadn’t played by the book all along but I didn’t want to stoop to her level. Dawn reluctantly followed my advice…at first. She emailed Sue to ask. Do I have an uncle right here in Scottsdale? With no immediate reply she said, ‘screw it’ and the next day she emailed her uncle. We’ll call him Joe. Asking him simply if he had a sister, Sue, in New Mexico…oh, and that she was the daughter Sue gave up for adoption 42 years ago…by the way. An email reply from Sue arrived shortly afterward saying, in no uncertain terms, to stay away from Joe. He was this and that, all very, very negative including the word evil. She said that he didn’t know about Dawn and just pretend he doesn’t exist. No one in the family talks to him, including her for the last five years.

Well, that puts us into a bind, now, doesn’t it? Dawn had already emailed this “evil” guy. We were able to email him because we found him online. Mortgage broker, commercial real estate agent, member of the Chamber of Commerce, etc. He didn't sound very evil but none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors. He replied to Dawn rather quickly stating that he WAS the same Joe and that, yes, he did know about her. Huh? Sue said he didn’t. He mentioned that Sue told him this daughter lived in California. What? No, she doesn’t. Sue, it seems, has successfully managed to control the flow of information for a very long time. And it was time that it ended.

Last night Dawn and I had dinner with Joe and his wife.

What can I say. It was awkward. It was uncomfortable. Mostly because of the wife, I think. Very stoic. Unemotional and distant. Almost dead, she was. Tall and quite pretty, late 40’s with heavy makeup and “enhanced” features, she was borderline robotic. Joe was much different. Friendly, warm smile…not affectionate but honest and forthright. He told Dawn all that he knew. Unfortunately, Dawn’s birth father was not part of that information. He had no idea. Apparently, he said…it could have been anybody. Great. This very rebellious teenager from the 1960’s likely didn’t know the father. There are harsher sins in the world, for sure, but none I think so crushing for my wife. We already knew what a mess Sue was. I suppose there was always hope of a happy ending with whoever turned out to be her father. Nay...just a sperm donor, apparently. It appears, now, we’ll never know.

As for icing on the cake…Sue, it turns out, is also gay. She lives with a woman in New Mexico.

That surprising Springer-like revelation is not as upsetting as is a woman who has never learned the meaning of candor, honesty with one’s self and living a veritably genuine life. I know that there are some choices in this world which are very difficult to live with, but by confronting those truths we can absolve ourselves of them. Alleviate the guilt or the pain by simply admitting that now we know better. Hiding from them only creates more suffering. More torment for those we claim to love. Lies breed more lies and before you know it, everyone questions every action, every spoken word…every intent. It’s a mesh of dysfunction that we’d all rather do without. And still standing strong, my wife abides. She remains a survivor. She has a good man, if I may say so myself, good kids who love her and two people who are proud to call her their daughter. Richard and Berenice Holenka of Mesa, AZ…thank you. Thank you for teaching my wife to stand alone.